PHP? LOLZ!

First, complaints from an imagined developer:

OMG PHP,

1. You are not nerdporn. When I do my contracting as a developer, I can no longer take my fixie to the local programmers coffee shop to do work and look cool. Since I don't go out otherwise, how the hell am I going to get a girlfriend in Sunnyvale with such crap?
   
2. You are so easy to use that your community is chock full of people who can't code. Like a business guy fooled into the idea he can skimp out on hiring one of us expensive nerds by coding that brilliant facegrouptube idea himself (with an iphone app of course, it'll make millions!). How hard can it possibly be to write a product and platform? Pshh!, piece-o-cake!
   
3. You are simply not expressive enough. My coding boner goes way flaccid when I see how not purty PHP is. When my emacs window doesn't follow the rule of thirds when looking at code I get pissed off and it makes baby jesus cry.

Sincerely,
Programmers of the Internet.

With all the hate, why is it still hands down, the most popular language for websites that people actually use?

Things get done when bickering pedantic coders stop caring about process and focus on product. Picky nerd debates about refactoring, design, coding approach ... get tossed, because they are more annoyed by the environment then they are by all those lost Dr Who episodes. This speeds things up enormously (because nobody is arguing any more) and like magic, shit actually gets done.

This makes PHP an extremely productive, fluff-free language. It's not going to change any time soon and nobody is excited about it; people don't assemble in church basements on a Tuesday night like narcotics addicts to talk about how awesome it is at solving all your problems.

It becomes just a tool; which is the ideal position of any language.

Americas wealthiest company put out a press release today.

iPhone 4S reviews weren't what we expected

So we pulled the plug. There will be no Jobs. No Jobs today, no Jobs tomorrow; no Jobs forever! Now go away because without Jobs, we'll never again have anything you'll want.

Droid X Gingerbread Review

I "upgraded" my Motorola Droid X recently to Gingerbread:

• Recording videos doesn't work. Instead my phone skillfully convinces me it's recording but then has no stop button, no way to leave the application, and stays in the video mode until I pull the battery.
• The phone now runs hot and the battery lasts about 1/3 the time as before. Might as well carry around an assortment of extra batteries just so I can use it throughout a regular business day.
  
• Swype now prefers really obscure words like "tutu" when I mean to type "you" and half the time fails to put a space in between words. The browser gets real confused when that happens and clears the input, not permitting me to manually add a space after I realize the mistake.
  
• Although the experience is now shinier with gradients and catchy animations, it is effectively immaterial when applications are hanging left and right and the actual interface for major components (like marketplace) have discarded basic features and transformed themselves from applications to advertisements.
  

Now here's some big questions:

• Why is task switching still unsolved? I need to download third party apps just to go in between two running processes. Really?
  
• Why is task killing still so difficult? To kill a task, Simply follow these 10 basic steps: (1) Go to the home screen, (2) Click the left button, (3) Press "Settings", (4) Scroll the menu down, (5) Press "Applications", (6) Press "Manage applications", (7) Press the "All" tab, (8) Scroll through the application list, (9) Press the menu item of the application you want to stop, (10) Press "Force stop".
  What the hell is that? 10 steps to exit a program? I'd hope that making this easier would be somewhat a priority.
  

Useful things that shouldn't have been removed

• Was moving an icon from the application list to the home screen so unbelievably hard and counterintuitive that you had to axe it and replace it with a 3 step process (which doesn't work if you have a task switcher btw)
• What is the white gradient near the bottom of the screen? My guess is that 1 out of every 10,000 users had some phone background that was just a montage of android icons and then they went in to their carrier, complaining that they couldn't find the buttons on the interface. It really harkens back to the old days when there was a d-pad with an "ok" button in the center wherein the default functions for the d-pad were operations that incurred a charge, like calling your voicemail or depositing money directly into your carriers bank account.
  
• The interface is now branded everywhere with my mobile carrier. Are they so insecure that I need to be reminded every screen in the largest letters on the screen, who I pay every month? My carrier has already opted to plaster their logo on both sides of the phone (in fact, it is etched in the back).

Features that nobody wants
When I press the home key slightly too quickly, a very slow and clunky application pops up that overrides my silent volume setting and chimes "Say a command". I usually get here when I am trying to exit a hung application in order to go through the ten stop process to kill it. However, I get redirected to conversation mode. I've tried "Go fuck yourself" or "Eat shit" but it just responds with "Did you say ... Call Mom?"

And finally, Blockbuster. Costumers are literally going way out of their way, with the possibility of bricking their phone in order to remove their application from the default install list. That's how bad blockbuster actually is. People hack their phone to uninstall it.

Conclusion
I know how hard it is to make an Operating System; but having things like the video recorder crashing the phone should have been caught in early QA testing; a user trying swype for five minutes would notice the expansive vocabulary that the phone guesses when you are trying to say "I am outside near the gas station", and they should have noticed way early that they literally cut the phones battery life by 70% ... and then should have been like "hrmm ... let's not release this."

This version is a major disappointment. It's such an important time too; Google has an opportunity to really snatch the marketshare from Apple; but it's not going to happen with crap like this.

Sometimes Old Ideas just need Good Execution

When ideas that have never been successful keep coming up over and over again it's usually because they simply haven't been implemented right and are just waiting for someone to think up the right sauce.

Ambitious successful technology is usually a culmination of decades of failure. For example:

1. Touch screen computing (iPad)
2. On-demand video (YouTube, Hulu)
3. Video phones (Skype)
4. The all-in-one fits-in-the pocket pda/phone (Android/iPhone)

If you talked to say, a YouTube exec in 2004 about their ideas you'd probably walk away thinking "Oh yeah, that idea; the one that has failed so hard, so many times, that I was looking for the hidden cameras".

And you'd be dead wrong.

This isn't new, if you go back 40 years you'll find that Credit Cards, Bar Codes, ISBN numbers, the home theater, all had predecessors that sucked. Even the personal computer and the home video game system had years of failed starts.

The Lottery Analogy

I've told you the lottery ticket analogy, right? It's really important that everyone understands this:

If you want to win the lottery, you need to do something that makes that possible; in this case it's buy a ticket. But you'll probably lose and that ticket will probably be worthless. However, you cannot win the lottery without it. And who knows? You might, actually, indeed, win.

Here's the rules:

1. You can't win without playing.
2. Every time you play, you get a new chance to win, independent of the previous chances.
3. Doing the right thing on the wrong day is worthless. Even if you do everything perfect and you get really lucky, there are still externalities that will almost always snatch the victory from you. You will then see someone doing the exact same thing as you on another day and succeeding.
4. When you realize that you picked the right numbers on the wrong day, get over it and Play Again. Don't allow your past to paralyzed you.
   
5. You will officially lose far before you personally know it. Make sure you know what failure and loss looks like and then accept it. Never fool yourself into thinking you have a winner, acknowledge the loss and move on as quickly as possible.

This is true in all aspects of life: you want to have a famous pop song? You need to do something that makes that possible; in this case work quite hard and make a song. But you'll probably lose. That song, will probably be listened to by nobody. However, you can't have a famous song without it.

Want to be a successful author or get a good job or make money on the stock market or be a famous scientist? The same rules apply.

on getting a job

know what you can tolerate

if you don't think you could put up with being a sysadmin every day, don't ever apply as one; regardless of skill; you won't get the job unless you interview at a dysfunctional company that you won't want to work at. know what role you would be willing to put up with and apply strictly for those positions.

getting an interview
resumes are important, github is more. you are pitching yourself, over email. silence isn't a problem. keep trying until someone explicitly says no. remember you are talking to humans and not grammar professors. be cordial but formal; assertive, eager, and well-mannered.

interviewing
smile, agree with everything, answer slowly and clearly, make eye contact, laugh at their jokes, gloss over their mistakes, don't bring in any baggage, and don't worry too much.

after the interview
it's critical to send an email after about 4 but less then 24 hours later. repeat the same pleasantries.

about pay
understand what you need to leverage before it comes on the table. you should make the first offer, always. do it at the point of accepting the job after the employer has vested in you as a future employee. make it implicitly but not explicitly clear that you will quickly back out if conditions aren't met.

remember why are you working
most programmer I know would rather be working on their pet project (which is The Next Big Thing) full-time instead of for a company. If this is your goal, remember this at the negotiation table; 5 day work weeks, coming in around noon, leaving at 5 strictly every day; all of these accommodations are best set at this point.

Abandon your cake

Pretend you spend all day making your spouse a cake. You carefully research the ingredients and then painstakingly try to the best of your effort to do everything well. However, it comes out slightly too brittle; the hand-made frosting is a little tart. But you spent a lot of time on it.

You present the cake. After the overjoyed response, you proceed to cut the first slice and your spouse takes the first bite, rolls the taste around, ponders a bit and very seriously states, "A bit bland, the frosting needs some work. Let's go to the grocery store and get a better one."

You are shocked. "Let's go to the grocery store?!", you spent all day on that damned thing; the store wasn't even open when you started; there were not even cakes available for sale at the time you began.

But sure, you aren't a pastry chef and you probably made a few mistakes along the way, but it's your cake. You made it specifically for your spouse.

But now, of all things, your spouse looks impartially at it, throws out the idea that you had anything to do with it and does some objective comparison. The conclusion is inescapable; the store is in fact open now, and does sell better cakes than the one that you made and instead of making it yourself you probably should have just gone out and bought one when the store opened, spending all of 20 minutes.

However painful it may be, you must acknowledge that if you want to enjoy a great cake, you should toss yours in the garbage, forget about it, and grab one from off the shelf.

Software is the same way. Oftentimes you will find that a solution baked in-house by a colleague you know and respect is not as mature as one that is open source.

Sometimes although the in-house solution may predate the open source one by many years, the open source solution appears to have raced ahead in quality, stability, and features.

You know intellectually that you will get a better product if you go forward with the open source solution that is well supported and well written. You know that you will free up the time of all parties involved. It looks like a pure business and logical decision. It's easy to forget the fact that you are suggesting to toss out someone's handmade cake by effectively saying:

Hi. I just wanted to say that you wasted your time and your solution is inferior to something I found in 30 seconds on google. We should be using this instead.

Breaking this news is one of the most difficult things to do at a personnel level on any programming team. You look like the new kid tossing out personal insults, disparaging the quality of your colleagues works; suggesting that they produced inferior code that simply is not good enough to be put in any project that you want to work on.

The truth is though, adopting open source (ie, off-the-shelf) components over in-house solutions can often be a leading factor in whether a project is successful and done on schedule. Off-loading as much responsibility as possible permits your team to focus on the product and not the dependencies.

When you are the cake maker, this reality is a very difficult thing to accept. "My cake is worthless?", you incredulously pout. You skeptically go over the open source project with a fine-toothed comb. "But wait", you insist, "It can't do xyz, and I can. Ha!" or "Let's run some performance tests and see how this POS does".

However, you acknowledge that it is well done. They are catching errors that you were too lazy to check for; they have active mailing lists and people around the world fixing bugs while you are at home sleeping. Intellectually, you know what to do:

Abandon Your Cake.
Implement the stuff you have that the open-source project does not and submit a patch. Probably introduce yourself as someone who has written a similar project but has done the grief of switching over.

Once you get over yourself and toss your cake away, you can hop on the winning team with enough courage and strength.

Don't look at it as if you need to match the feature-set of the project but as a collaborative project with open-membership that you have specific expertise on.

You came up with a solution to a generic problem that many people face and you learned a lot by building it out yourself. You have a lot of knowledge to contribute. You were good enough to do the solution single-handed; you are certainly good enough to contribute to a group effort.

So someone else won the internet lottery fame game this time, it happens. Go join them and you will be a valued member of their team. After a little while you will be able to faithfully consider it your project as much as any other contributor.

It will be easier, you'll get more exposure, and you can claim part ownership of something that people actually have heard of instead of filling your resume with github projects that are only watched by yourself.

Sharing the fame beats pounding the pavement any day.